We have been dealing with a horrible bout of harm OCD

It is not nearly as funny as marshmallowed meatballs.

Hi all. I don’t normally post, but I’ve been struggling a lot recently. As of late, I’ve been dealing with a horrible bout of harm OCD. And I say bout because it’s not normally one of the manifestations of my OCD. Very briefly, my mom had a heart attack in late March, it was super mild and she’s fine, but we live in a duplex and my uncle and his fiancée both smoke in their house and it comes over into our house and they won’t quit doing so even after the doctor said that they couldn’t do so and were told they couldn’t do so. No, we can’t move and they can’t be kicked out (my grandma owns the duplex and won’t do it and they have nowhere to go). And I love my mom to pieces and I don’t want her to have another heart attack. As you would guess, I’m rather mad at them. And that has brought up the harm OCD. I’ve been having continual thoughts of pounding on their door and stabbing my uncle. And it’s bad. And I’m terrified that I’ll do it and that my prayers won’t be enough and I won’t be strong enough. In fact, I’m even terrified that by typing all this out that I’ll do it. I hate this. I have struggled with this for a while now by myself until my mom sussed it out as this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this. I told her when I dealt with it last year. But I had a very hard time doing so. And I came up with something for if it happens again and for while I’m dealing with it now. Instead of saying, I’m obsessing over killing my uncle, instead I’m going to say “it’s marshmallowed meatballs.” Initially I used kippers and herrings, but in addition to being redundant, it’s not nearly as funny as marshmallowed meatballs. My mom suggested marshmallowed meatballs and it’s from an Alka Seltzer commercial from the 1970s. And I’m not trying to dismiss these thoughts by calling them that. It’s just that it’s much easier to talk about. This is definitely the worst I’ve ever dealt with with my OCD. And the thing is, I don’t hate him. I love him. And my mom doesn’t hate him or want me to do this. I told my mom that it’s times like this that I wish I could just disappear. No, not suicide, but just, I don’t know, fade out of existence. Or sleep for

Discussion

Jennifer Nicholson
Sorry you are feeling this way hun. Harm ocd is so awful, I have it myself. You are justified in being very angry about them smoking near your mom, I would be upset too. They should go outside.. on the other hand, the fact that you are feeling great anxiety about these thoughts, shows its only ocd. You won’t act on them, it’s just your brain relooping a thought. Try to relax as much as you can. I hope you get some relief soon!

Lauren Currie
Thank you. That’s what my mom says too. She says she knows me and that hurting anyone like that just isn’t in my personality or who I am.

Chris Slone
I’m sorry Lauren. It must be terrible having to deal with the fear of wanting to protect your mom, loving your uncles and having all these conflicting thoughts. I have always dealt with the violent thoughts too and they scare you pretty bad. We all know it would be very very very unlikely for someone to act on them. It’s a tough spot for sure that you’re in right now. I hope your mom is doing well. Tell her hello for me. I’m here if you want to chat.

Lauren Currie
Thank you. Yes, it is so terrible. And it is such a contradiction. I really do love my uncle and he used to not be so nice to me in the past, but that’s changed now and he’s very nice to me. And he has COPD, but he’s in total denial of it, I heard him breathing through his mouth the other week and he hadn’t been exerting himself at all and I noticed his breathing sounded shallow and kind of labored and that really concerned me because I knew that it meant that his COPD is getting a lot worse. It’s like, how can I feel two such totally different ways? My mom said that she knows I won’t act on them because this is just OCD and not me and she knows my personality and who I am and this kind of thing isn’t in me. She’s doing well, thankfully. And I’ll tell her hi.

Chris Slone
Well, they are contradictory because one is OCD and one is not. Isn’t all OCD pretty much contrary to our normal thought patterns and behaviors? That’s how we recognize it as foreign to us. Like antibody attacks an antigen in the body. We capture these OCD thoughts and try to press them because we aren’t sure where they came from but know they aren’t of our own making. I’m sorry for your uncle. I’ve lost two uncles in the past few years to heart issues and losing another to lung cancer and he never smoked. I do hope things get better. Maybe try to get out more and not spend as much time in the place that’s causing you the most issues. Sometimes a change of scenery can change feelings as well.

Sharon Corrigan
Yes or think of something silly to get rid of intrusive thoughts like blue bananas

Lauren Currie
That’s what I’ve been trying to do. Keep my mind busy. Because when something has my attention, I’m a lot less inclined to obsess. Now I’m picturing dancing blue bananas. There was a cartoon years ago called Bananas In Pajamas and until literally right now, I hadn’t thought of it in years. Dancing blue bananas in pajamas is a really funny mental image.